Guilty As Charged

When I started this blog I wanted to find inspiration around every corner. I wanted to be so full of joy, inspiration, happiness and just all around well being, but that is not the case. Today I am totally uninspired. Today I feel guilty for no reason and I feel mad as hell.

First the guilt. I feel guilty that my son can't go on a church outing with kids his own age. I tried to break it to him as gently as possible, but it didn't work. He said he would use his own money, but I don't want him to do that, and I didn't think he really had enough. Not only would he need money to play the Monster golf, but he would want snacks and stuff AND that's where the money comes in. He was crying. I feel guilty that we don't have the money. I feel guilty because I am to tired to take him. I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days and I am wiped out. My husband is in a bad mood and tired as well and I have to be "on" for him and that tires me out.

I feel guilty because I didn't want to get a milkshake. My husband wanted a milkshake and I wasn't really keen on the idea. I told him the kids would want one and they had ice cream after lunch and I didn't want them to have that. He said we didn't have to get them one. Now come on, they are in the back seat and would bug the crap out of us to get them one too. I don't know if they would throw a fit. They are not like that, but I would feel bad if we got one and they didn't.

Number two reason I didn't want a milkshake is I am trying to lose weight. I allow for my treat in the evening and I wanted it then and not now. I spent a lot of money on my bariatric surgery. My insurance didn't pay for it, and I need to get this done. I've been struggling for a while now and he knows it. He is being an insensitive jerk. I am joining a new support group that will help - I'm praying for it.

Now for the mad. I am mad that I feel guilty about this stuff at all! Why should I? I shouldn't feel guilty because I can't send my son on an outing. Bad yes, guilty no. I sure as hell should not be mad that I didn't want to get a milkshake. That is taking care of myself. Why should I feel bad about that?????!!!!!! I am mad that I my husband picked the farthest parking lot when we went to Walmart when I have been telling him for that last few days how badly my knee has been hurting. I am mad that we don't have the pool that I spent a lot of money on up and running. I am mad that I can't be tired and cranky!! I am mad that my husband acts the same age as my son when he is tired and cranky! Deal with it. I am mad that I have to be "on" all the time. I am angry at my mother for being the narcissistic jerk that she is. I am mad that she has cheated me out of some of life's possibilities when I was younger. I am mad that she cheated me out of a relationship with my dad and it's it late to get it back. And last but not least I am mad at myself for being this way!

Feeling guilt in this way is not a way to an inspired life. I may have bitten off more than I can chew by trying to live one, but it doesn't mean I can't try.